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Bridal Guide
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Sept 04
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Married Sex: Unzipped!
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Rebecca Gardyn
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Page 243-244
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Dr. Gardos answers Bridal Guide reader's questions about sex and marriage.
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Married Sex: Unzipped! Q & A
Q: My fiance and I have been using condoms since we started dating,
but once we're married I'd like to go on the Pill. Is it important for us to be
tested for sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) before we stop using condoms?
A: If either one of you has ever had sex without a condom, and you haven't
been tested for STDs since that time, you must be screened before you switch to oral
contraceptives, says Sandor Gardos, Ph.D., a sex therapist in San Francisco and a former
research scientist at the HIV Center for Clinical and Behavioral Studies at Columbia
University. "Even if you've been in your current relationship for 10 years, you
still may be carrying an STD from a past sexual encounter," he states. A common
condition like herpes or HPV (human papillomavirus) can lie dormant for many years,
so even if you've never had any symptoms of the disease, you still may be contagious.
"Couples think that marriage will somehow protect them from STDs, but there's not
one STD I'm aware of that cares whether you are married or not," say Gardos.
Q: My fiance and I are not going to live together until we are married.
Right now, we usually make love about once a week, when we see each other on the
weekends. That's plenty for me, but he says he's going to want sex every day once
we are married. Is this going to cause problems for us?
A: "Desire discrepancy" is the single most common complaint heard
by sex therapists, says Gardos. But it doesn't mean that anything is wrong with
either of you. The keys to avoiding problems here, as with most other issues in
maintaining that "happily ever after" vibe, are to compromise and negotiate.
When your partner proposes sex and you're not in the mood, you might decide to go
ahead and give in. "We do a lot of things that we're not in the mood for, and it's
nice to do this for your partner once in a while," says Gardos. (Besides, as the
kissing progresses, you might find yourself getting into the groove, in spite of yourself.)
Just make sure you don't feel resentful; these feelings will build over time, and can
undermine your relationship in the long run. "Or, you can give him an alternative,
like, 'How about I give you a really great hand job tonight, and then I promise, if I
an get a good night's sleep, tomorrow we can make love?'" says Gardos. Just remember to
reassure him that even though you may not be in the mood for intercourse as often as he
is, you still find him sexy and enjoy being intimate with him.
Q: We aren't usually very adventurous in bed, but on our wedding night
I'd love to surprise my husband. Got any ideas?
A: First, set a romantic mood with candles, satin sheets, his favorite music
and whatever else you like -- it'll put you both in the same frame of mind. Men are
turned on by visuals, so slip into some sexy lingerie (no doubt you received some
pretty pieces at your bridal shower). Or, blindfold your partner with a silk scarf and tickle
and tease him with a feather, adds Gardos. Let him take you only when he's ready to
explode! Feeling naughtier? "Really, though, almost anything you haven't done before
will add a little something special to that night," says Gardos.
Q: Is it true that a couple can get bored with each other, sexually
speaking, after they've been married a while? I'm so afraid of this happening.
A: Yes, unfortunately, it's fairly common, says Gardos. "After all,
novelty is one of the greatest aphrodisiacs," he says. "That's why it's
important to continue wooing your partner even after you're married, doing creative
and generous things for and to each other to fan the flame." Come to bed wearing
something irresistible once in a while. Suggest a new position to try. Buy sex toys. Plan
a date night or a weekend away. Make it a priority to understand what turns your partner
on, then make those things happen on a regular basis.
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