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Question
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My boyfriend and I enjoy a great sex together. However, he almost never comes
from the intercourse alone but needs to masturbate himself to orgasm. I'm too
embarrassed to ask him about this, is it just a habit?
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Answer
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Although we often associate the need for manual stimulation (to have an orgasm)
with women, the same is often true of men. Many men (and women) have "trained"
themselves to have an orgasm in one special way. After years of masturbating one
particular way, it can sometimes become a habit. This does not mean that
masturbating is bad thing. In fact, for most people, it actually helps them
learn what kinds of stimulation they need to have an orgasm. Some people,
however, become a little overly "rigid" and might want to expand their sexual
repertoire. Of course, there is nothing wrong with having to masturbate to
orgasm as long as you both are enjoying sex together, but if he wants to learn
how to have an orgasm from intercourse, it usually is possible for him to
"retrain" his body.
The way to begin is to have sex any way you normally do. Then, he masturbates
himself like he usually does when he is ready to have an orgasm, with one difference.
Men have something known as a "point of imminence" -- a point at
which they know they are going to ejaculate even if a truck came crashing
through the wall. When he reaches this point, you two should switch back to
intercourse. Do this for a couple of weeks, then try to switch to intercourse
immediately before the point of imminence. Over time, it should
eventually be possible to switch sooner and sooner, until you don't need to
switch at all, but rather he can have an orgasm from intercourse alone.
I do want to emphasize, though, that there is nothing wrong with reaching orgasm
through masturbation. It does not mean that there is anything wrong with him,
you, or your relationship. If you are happy with the way things are, there is
absolutely no reason to change anything. You should think of these exercises as
a fun way to expand the kinds of things you can do sexually. It is like learning
a new golf swing, nothing more. Don't make it a pressure-filled situation, or
something you feel you and he have to do. What is important is that you
two enjoy each other, and it sounds like you already do!
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Best,
Dr. Sandor Gardos
MyPleasure provides up-to-date and useful sexual education materials in combination
with a store that allows people to buy, try, and learn about new aspects of
sexuality. We believe everybody deserves a great sex life.
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