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Question
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I have been with my boyfriend for seven months and the whole time he has
been unable to stop masturbating. I have explained to him that it upsets me,
and he keeps telling me he will stop; but within two weeks I always catch
him again. I am always ready to please him; but for some reason it seems to
do no good. He says it has nothing to do with me, but it's causing him to
lie to me. We love each other, and he is worried I will leave him because of
it (which I might) -- but for some reason, he still won't stop. Do you have
any advice, or can you recommend a therapist for him?
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Answer
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I'd like you to start by taking a breath and stepping back from the
situation. I think you need to redefine the situation in order to improve
it. This is not something your boyfriend is doing that he needs to change.
Like most problems in relationships, it is a couple's issue that has to be
discussed and worked on as a couple. As long as you are accusing your
boyfriend and saying he needs to get help, you are not going to get
anywhere.
Masturbation is not a replacement for sex. Just because he is masturbating
does not mean that he does not desire you. Men and women masturbate for all
sorts of reasons, only some of which are a substitute for sex with a
partner.
Making him promise not to masturbate is probably not a healthy approach.
Most people continue to masturbate when they are in a relationship. He may
mean it at the time when he promises you to not do it any longer; but he
will probably masturbate again. So, all this does is to make him feel guilty
and prompt him to lie to you. You, on the other hand, will feel suspicious
and worry whether he is misleading you again. All of this will lead to
mistrust and resentment. Plus, it shuts off all communication. It's far
better to talk about it than to give ultimatums. I am sure you can find a
way that both of you can be happy and have your needs met. If you have a
requirement that none of your partners are allowed to masturbate once they
meet you, you are destined for a disappointing and unhappy life.
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Best,
Dr. Sandor Gardos
MyPleasure provides up-to-date and useful sexual education materials in combination
with a store that allows people to buy, try, and learn about new aspects of
sexuality. We believe everybody deserves a great sex life.
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