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Question
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I have had a physical disability (walk with a limp, use a cane, and have
other physical problems) since I was a child and am now 25. I have found
it difficult to bring up the topic of my disability and how my body
works with potential sexual partners. Any ideas about when and how I can
address this with new people in my life?
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Answer
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Sometimes people with disabilities have already talked about their disability
prior to a date. The topic could surface in some shape or fashion when you first
meet the person. If the topic of your disability has not come up prior to the
first date, it will most likely naturally surface at some point in the conversation.
For example, it may be that a conversation begins around your cane, your modified
car (if you have one), or a disability-related comment that is made. While you
may be worrying about how to bring the topic up, your partner, whether he/she is
disabled or able-bodied, is probably thinking about the same thing. Your dating
partner may not want to offend you but feel the need to ask you questions.
Perhaps he/she may wonder what arrangements need to be made to accommodate your
disability during a date. Because of being nervous, he/she may simply blurt out
"What is your disability, and what do I need to do to arrange a date?" Although
some individuals feel ok with this direct approach, others may not know how to
respond to such a remark.
It is important to remember that these questions also come up when two people with
disabilities date each other. Contrary to popular belief, people with disabilities
are not all alike and they do have questions about friends and dating partners with
different types of disabilities.
Talking about sex can be even more stressful than speaking about your disability
alone. Both are taboo topics and it is not easy to start a conversation about
either. You may need to talk about the ways that your body moves or doesn't move,
any pain that you experience in sexual positions, and any bowel or bladder
issues that you may have. Given the uneasiness that can surface around talking
about one's disability in addition to sexuality and disability issues, here are
some helpful hints:
- Talk about your disability within your own comfort zone. Speak about
your disability as it naturally occurs in conversation. If you are asked directly
about it, answer with details that are informative but not to the degree that
you launch into a 30 minute speech about the ins and outs of your condition. If
this date turns into more of a serious relationship, there will be plenty of
time to discuss the specifics of your disability. If you are someone who, in
general, feels less at ease discussing your disability, think about what you may
want to say ahead of time. Sometimes people practice how they can talk about
their disability to a friend.
- Anticipating the question feels better when you have a response in mind.
If it makes you feel better, think about what you might say if you were asked
directly about your disability. Some people, no matter the level of comfort, have
a response that they always give to this question. Think about what feels right
to you and go for it!
- Be prepared to talk about sex. Your partner may ask you about sex as
he/she thinks that a date is proceeding in that direction. It may be something
as simple as, "I really want to kiss you and touch you but am afraid that
I will hurt you. Is it okay?" Think about these types of questions and how you
may want to respond. You may want to respond to such a question by saying that
you will let him/her know if something is hurting you and that you will help the
person through the experience. Let him/her know that you will take control and
be the guide until you two get the swing of things.
Good luck and be sure to read our Sexuality & Disability section for
more information!
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Best,
Dr. Sandor Gardos
MyPleasure provides up-to-date and useful sexual education materials in combination
with a store that allows people to buy, try, and learn about new aspects of
sexuality. We believe everybody deserves a great sex life.
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