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Question
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My husband has always watched sex videos. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, I figured. I am uncomfortable, though.
When we watch the videos, we masturbate each other. While he and I are masturbating each other he watches the
video intensely. I almost feel like I'm in the way. Several times I have come home for lunch and he is watching a
video, masturbating. I feel like I'm walking in on him and another woman. I have expressed myself to him and he
only gets angry. Am I wrong or is it an affair of the heart?
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Answer
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Your feelings are common and natural, but you need to understand that people masturbate and watch erotic movies
for all sorts of reasons, even if they are completely satisfied with their partners. It is completely normal for
a married man to masturbate and to look at sexually related movies -- and most do. It is a safe and healthy way
to add variety to your usual sexual routine. Unless your husband is looking at erotic material and masturbating
compulsively -- as a way to avoid you or other things in life -- I don't see it as a problem.
As a matter of fact, those men and women who fantasize and masturbate the most are the ones who report having the
most satisfying sex lives with a partner. The fact that your husband masturbates does not mean he does not love
you or is not attracted to you. Sex is not a zero-sum game. It is also unlikely that he is masturbating to replace
having sex with you. Sometimes men and women just want to have a quick orgasm or relieve stress and don't want to
worry about pleasing their partner. It is similar to just wanting a quick bite to eat to relieve hunger, as opposed
to preparing a full meal for two. It might make you feel better to know that research indicates that men most
commonly fantasize about their current partner when they masturbate.
I think your idea of watching porn with him and expressing your discomfort were both steps in the right direction.
This shows that you are open minded and willing to be direct in your communication with him. However, it seems at
this point that something else is going on. I ask you, how can a person have "an affair of the heart" with a video?
Perhaps what you need to ask yourself is, what's making you mistrust your husband's love? Is there something
else going on in the relationship? Or, is this a personal issue for you? It may be a good idea to seek out a
counselor or sex therapist to discuss these issues in a safe environment. You can search for a mental health
professional who focuses on sexuality issues by visiting the website of the American Association of Sex Educators,
Counselors, and Therapists (www.aasect.org). Good luck to you.
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Best,
Dr. Sandor Gardos
MyPleasure provides up-to-date and useful sexual education materials in combination
with a store that allows people to buy, try, and learn about new aspects of
sexuality. We believe everybody deserves a great sex life.
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