I'm a 28 year-old lesbian. I have never had sex with a man (and don't plan to). Does that mean I am a "virgin?" I don't really care, but I have been wondering how I answer that question.
This is one of those great philosophical questions that doesn't have a right answer.
Technically, the word virgin is defined as "a never married woman" but in its more common use, refers to someone who has never had sex. So, this begs the question: What is sex?
I know many people who have similar quandaries when they try to figure out how many people they have "had sex with." What counts?
It seems like everyone has a different rubric. Some say that you have to have an orgasm. Well, does that mean that a preorgasmic woman in her 30s who has had intercourse hundreds of times is a virgin? Similarly, what if both partners had orgasms, but never had intercourse or even took their clothes off? What about oral sex -- does that count? Others say that penetration is the real hallmark, but penetration by what? Does a dildo or a finger count -- does it have to be a penis? In many cultures, the breaking of the hymen was the demarcator of loss of virginity. Unfortunately, this definition has lead to no end of grief for women who broke their hymens through gymnastics, horseback riding, or numerous other activities. What about men with a disability that prevents erection? The quandaries are unending.
Frankly, I think this whole obsession with who is or isn't a "virgin" is way overplayed. In my own research and writing, I never use the term. If I really want to know whether someone has ever experienced something, I use the phrase "sexual initiation" and leave it up to the person to define it for themselves.
So, have you been "sexually active?" Yes. Are you a "virgin?" Who cares? Answer that one any way that feels comfortable to you. My vote: "None of your business!"
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