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Question
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I am a 30-year-old woman and have been dating my boyfriend for two years. We had
a great sex life up until about three months ago. My boyfriend has recently become
involved with a new religion which maintains more conservative beliefs about
sexuality. He no longer wants to have intercourse or oral sex unless we are
married. I love my boyfriend very much but miss having sex. I'm afraid that I
might turn to another guy for sexual pleasure. What should I do?
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Answer
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You certainly are in a tough situation. It sounds like you care about your partner
but are unclear if you two now hold similar relationship values. What makes this
situation difficult is that your boyfriend has decided to change his overall
belief system in accordance with his new religion. This obviously affects who
he is in his relationship with you. Given that you do not share his new values
and beliefs, you are left needing to decide how he can fit into your life in
this new fashion. Ceasing to have sex when you're used to an active sex life is
a big change in a relationship, and I can see why you are concerned about this
matter.
Here are a couple of things that you might consider..
- Explore your own belief system. If this relationship is important to
you, one step to take may be attempting to reach a better understanding of your
boyfriend's new religion and how it fits with your own values and beliefs. Is
the sexuality issue the only thing that you differ upon or are there other
beliefs that you see as possibly interfering with your relationship in the
future? Do you share any values with this new religion? Reflect upon these
issues and see what turns up for you.
- How important is sex in your relationship? Whether or not sex is
important in a relationship varies widely among different individuals. It sounds
like you have missed being sexual with your partner over the past three months.
Will it be enough for you to engage in certain sexual activities (e.g., kissing,
touching) while abstaining from others (e.g., intercourse, oral sex)? Think
about the nature of your relationship and envision how it might feel to be a
bit more restricted with your sexual expression.
- Give yourself time to make decisions. This is a very complex situation
and there does not seem to be any quick and concise answers. Explore your feelings
and talk with him about your concerns. If you are open to it, it may be a good
idea for the two of you to talk with a counselor or therapist about these issues.
This can provide an objective view of your circumstances.
Hang in there and remember that spending time investigating your feelings and
thoughts about relationships is usually not an easy task.
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Best,
Dr. Sandor Gardos
MyPleasure provides up-to-date and useful sexual education materials in combination
with a store that allows people to buy, try, and learn about new aspects of
sexuality. We believe everybody deserves a great sex life.
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