You raise an interesting question, and one with no easy answer. It all
centers around what you consider to be "virginity." The Oxford English
Dictionary defines it as "an unmarried woman" but we have obviously altered
and expanded the way in which we use this term.
In many cultures the sign of virginity is the presence of a woman's hymen (a
thin membrane within the vagina often broken during intercourse).
Unfortunately, this has caused no end of anguish for women who had their
hymen broken from other things such as gymnastics, horseback riding, or any
number of other activities. Some women are even born without a hymen. If you
have ever used a tampon, you have almost certainly at least stretched your
hymen, if not broken it.
Some people consider sexual intercourse to be the thing that makes you no
longer a "virgin." But, here again, we get into some interesting conundrums.
Does anal sex count? What about oral? What about lesbian sex? Other
individuals say that orgasm has to occur for it to "be real." Well, what
about a woman who has been married and having intercourse for twenty years,
but never had an orgasm? Is she a "virgin?"
Is penetration the real demarcator of loss of virginity? Does that mean that
if a woman had a pelvic exam by a gynecologist she is no longer a "virgin?"
What about if she masturbated alone or with a partner?
It is for all of these reasons that we, as sex therapists, no longer use
this term. Sometimes, for the sake of a study, sexologists will ask about
"first sexual initiation" and then describe what they mean. The term
"virgin" is so vague as to be almost useless.
So, what I would say the real question is "how do YOU define virginity?" The
next question is "why is this important to you?" Is it for religious
reasons? Personal ones? Only you can answer these sorts of queries.
Personally, I think far too much has been made of this concept. If you are
not doing anything to harm yourself or others, and it does not go against
your personal values and beliefs, then what is the issue? If your partner
wants to know if you are a "virgin" you can ask how they define it. Once you
go through all hypothetical situations I just mentioned, they will soon give
up.
