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Question
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I have not been able to get any enjoyment from sex. I am a disabled woman, but
I don't think that has anything to do with it. I just can't seem to get into sex
at all. Could you give me advice on what I need to do?
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Answer
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Having difficulties with sexual desire is a common problem, one that can
be quite frustrating. I have a couple of thoughts for you.
First, I would start to think about how long you have felt this way.
Have you always had little interest in sex, or is this a more recent
feeling? In order to determine what may be the cause(s) of your low
desire, these are important questions to ask yourself.
Our sexual desire can be affected by many things. Changes in desire are
usually associated with physical or hormonal changes and/or
psychological distress. Changes in hormonal levels can be affected by
age and/or medical conditions. Sexual desire can also be affected
greatly by our psychological well-being. Feelings of sadness,
depression, stress and anxiety can definitely decrease our interest in
the bedroom!
Your question says you are not able to enjoy sex. Therefore, besides
sexual desire, I would also be interested in knowing whether or not you
are experiencing difficulties with physical sexual arousal. That is,
when you are sexually stimulated, do you experience physical signs of
arousal (e.g., nipple erection, vaginal lubrication)? This physiological
signs may differ from person to person, depending upon what disability a
person has. Start to pay attention to your body when you are engaging in
sexual activity, and see if you notice these changes. If not, your
problem could be physical.
Here are some thoughts on how to start to tackle this issue:
- Make an appointment with your gynecologist to rule out any medical
problems or changes in your levels of hormones. It can be hard to bring
up this topic with your doctor, but he or she hears this type of
discussion quite frequently. Don't let embarrassment prevent you from
getting important information.
- Think about what things may have happened in your life around the
time your desire began to decrease. See if you can link it to any type
of sad or anxiety-provoking event. you may want to consider seeing a sex
therapist or counselor for a few sessions to begin working through any
issues that may come up for you. This will help you get "back on track"
to rediscovering the sexual person you are.
- Try doing things that have made you feel sexy in the past (e.g.,
wearing sexy clothes, using perfume, lighting candles), and see if this
puts you in the mood. Sometimes small changes in our behavior can help
swing us back into feeling sexy again. The point of these exercises is
to start to get in touch with your thoughts and feelings around your
sexuality.
- Read erotic books, play with sex toys and/or watch erotic films and
pay attention to what feels good or arouses you. You may just have not
experienced the "right" stimulus for you, yet.
All people are sexual, regardless of whether they are disabled or
able-bodied, and all people must decide for themselves what works best
for them. Keep an open mind, investigate your options and keep
experimenting with new things. Your body and mind will thank you!
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Best,
Dr. Linda Mona, a licensed clinical psychologist specializing in disability and sexuality issues and a disabled woman living with a mobility impairment.
MyPleasure provides up-to-date and useful sexual education materials in combination
with a store that allows people to buy, try, and learn about new aspects of
sexuality. We believe everybody deserves a great sex life.
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