by Tamar Love
You probably see someone with a physical disability almost every day: the
blind man tapping his way across the street, the deaf woman signing to her
boyfriend, the wheelchair-bound woman shopping at the grocery store, people
on crutches, using walkers or leaning on canes. You may have thought of how
hard it would be to live with the disability, getting around, doing errands
and working at a fulfilling job.
Can you imagine what it is like for that person to date, negotiating
restaurants, movie theaters and transportation? How about meeting a
potential partner -- where, exactly, do disabled people find romantic love?
Did you ever think of what it would be like for a disabled person to have
sex?
Just Like Us, Only Different
Disabled people are not lesser versions of able-bodied people, unable to
engage in or enjoy sexual behavior. In fact, disabled people are members of
a community with its own unique culture, filled with societal norms and
behavioral expectations that are different, but no less rich or meaningful,
than that of able-bodied individuals.
While it is true that living with a disability is difficult, the disability
itself isn't usually a negative or positive factor in that person's life.
The paralyzed legs aren't bad or good ; they just are, just as
people are male or female, Asian, Caucasian or African American. In turn, a
disability, while physically limiting, is no more limiting to that person's
sexuality than one's ethnicity or gender.
Sexual Expression
Media, television and movies have represented the sexual lives of persons
with disabilities in one of two ways:
- A master of the tongue, who, limited by his or her lower body's
inability to function, has compensated by learning to perform outstanding
oral sex, foregoing any sexual needs of his or her own.
- A bitter, asexual person, who is half the man (or woman) they used to
be, unable to sexually perform and thus no longer completely
human.
In reality, issues of sexual expression and attractiveness are no more or
less important for the disabled than for the able-bodied -- one's desire to
be found sexually desirable and have one's sexual desires fulfilled does not
simply go away because one has a prosthetic limb or paralyzed legs.
The disabled person must learn to negotiate his or her own mental, emotional
and sexual terrain, just as do the able-bodied, coming to terms with their
sexuality and finding the best way to express it.
Do You Have Sex?
Historically, people with disabilities have been regarded by much of society
as freaks, sub-humans or cripples. Now that we, as a society, have begun to
put aside those negative labels and are, instead, exploring the emotional
lives of the disabled, we have found new ways to dehumanize them, asking
such personal and ridiculous questions as, Can you have sex? Do you still
even want to?
Human beings are born with sex drives regardless of ethnicity, gender,
sexual orientation or disability status. While other minority groups,
especially gay men and lesbian women, may be mocked or questioned about
their specific sexual practices, it goes one step further for the disabled,
who are not asked how they have sex, but if they are able to do it
at all.
Perhaps the best way to address this question is to examine normal sexual
behaviors, that is, heterosexual sexual practices. While penile-vaginal
intercourse is certainly a common method of sexual expression, it is by no
means the only way straight people have sex. What about oral or anal sex,
kissing, fondling or cuddling?
Similarly, lesbian women express themselves sexually in other ways than by
performing cunnilingus, and gay men don't just have anal sex. Disabled
people find a variety of ways to express themselves sexually, limited only
by their physical bodies and their imaginations.
Meeting Mr. Right
If you think it's hard to meet someone special, think of what it must be
like for people with disabilities. Not only do they have to deal with the
usual issues of personality, attraction and emotional behavior, but they
must do so in a world not designed for visual, hearing and mobility-impaired
people.
For example, think about the behaviors associated with flirting. You walk
into a bar, spot a cute guy or girl, make eye contact and smile. A visually
impaired person would get as far as the door, and then what? Wait for a
seeing person to make the first move? Start talking to someone and hope he
or she is nice? Whatever the method, the visually impaired person's chances
of meeting Mr. or Ms. Right are greatly reduced from those of the
able-bodied.
Likewise, a hearing-impaired person can't readily engage in flirtatious
banter, unless he or she is lucky enough to have found a bar teeming with
people who know sign language. If the hearing-impaired person finds someone
not fluent in sign language who is willing to learn, it will probably take a
great deal of time to establish a rapport and move things to a more intimate
level.
People with mobility issues can find it harder still to make contact. As a
society, we don't much know what to make of people with a visible physical
disability. We've made some effort over the last few decades to become
unbiased, but given the choice between and able-bodied and disabled partner,
most people would chose the person who wasn't in the wheelchair. It's
unfortunate for the disabled person, but it's a simple, human fact.
For example, it is often assumed that all persons who use wheelchairs are
paralyzed, and therefore unable to make full use of their reproductive
organs. While this may be true for some in the community, a large proportion
of wheelchair users can function sexually as well as the next person.
However, as there's no handy little placard reading, Yes! My penis works,
the disabled person's chances of meeting a potential sexual partner are,
again, greatly reduced.
Sure, the disabled wouldn't have as many problems if they were to date
within their own communities, but shouldn't they have as wide a selection as
the rest of us? Most of us wouldn't enjoy being told to date only within our
own ethnic or social cultures. Why should it be any different for the
disabled?
Dating With Disabilities
Once the disabled person has met a potential partner, he or she faces
another host of problems: dating in a world designed for hearing, seeing and
walking people.
- Consider Stephen, a blind person, who would like to treat his friend,
Sheila, to dinner at a nice restaurant. First, he would have to arrange for
transportation, especially if Sheila were also visually impaired and could
not drive. Stephen would have to either have to pay for a cab or take the
bus, which would involve figuring out the route, knowing when to get off the
bus and finding his way back home. Banish the notion that Stephen would pick
Sheila up -- unless she were a seeing person, she would most likely have to
meet Stephen at the restaurant. Once there, Stephen would either have to ask
for a menu in Braille, or, if none were available, rely upon a seeing person
to read the entire menu to him. The rest of the dinner would be fine, until
the bill was presented; Stephen would have to ask Sheila or the waiter to
read the total to him.
- Think about Linda, a deaf person who uses sign language to communicate.
Linda would like to go to brunch and a movie with Larry, a new potential
partner who knows a little sign language, but she's wary of the obstacles
she will have to face. Unless her waiter knows sign language, Linda will
have to point at what she wants and won't be able to customize the meal to
her liking. Her ability to converse with Larry will be limited by his
abilities to sign. After the brunch, they can either select a subtitled
foreign film or return to her home to view a close-captioned film. Their
options are definitely limited.
- Finally, consider Allan, a mobility-impaired person in a wheelchair, who
wants to see a play with his new girlfriend, Amy. First, he or his date must
make sure wheelchair seating is available in the theater, ensuring the
limited seating isn't sold out for the show they want to see. Next, Allan
must find out about wheelchair-accessible restrooms -- are they on the same
floor as their seats, or must he take the elevator or negotiate stairs?
Then, Allen would have to consider transportation for the evening. Unless he
is wealthy enough to afford a wheelchair-accessible car or van, he must rely
on others to get around. Either Amy must drive (and hopefully she doesn't
have a small car!), or Allen must take wheelchair-accessible public
transportation.
While none of these hurdles are insurmountable, dealing with them can be
exhausting. Able-bodied people are able to pick up and go at a moment's
notice; disabled people must consider the mechanics of the night, plan
ahead, and say goodbye to spontaneity.
How Do You Have Sex?
While still a personal inquiry best made only of a good friend, How
do you have sex? is a legitimate question whose answer will vary according
to the person's specific disability.
- Mobility-Impaired Person with Able-Bodied Partner: The
able-bodied person can maneuver the impaired person's body into different
positions, stimulating erogenous zones as desired. The sexual experience --
whether it be kissing, touching, cuddling or oral, anal, penile or vaginal
intercourse -- is very similar to that of two able-bodied people, although
it is likely the able-bodied person will be in charge, as he or she can
move without assistance.
- Mobility-Impaired Person with Mobility-Impaired Partner:
Depending upon the severity of the impairment in each partner, some, but not
all, sexual activity may be possible. For example, kissing and touching may
be quite simple, but penile, vaginal or anal sex might be too difficult.
Oral or manual sex could be managed if both partners were able to position
their bodies as needed.
- Paralyzed Persons: Depending upon the severity and cause of the
paralyzing injury, individuals with partial or total paralysis may not be
able to experience a physiological orgasm. However, it may feel good to have
certain parts of their bodies sexually stimulated: neck, nipples, ears, arms
or any other area that is responsive to touch. The hardest part for most
totally paralyzed people is their inability to experience sexual release,
but some say their sexual feelings have been moved into their heads,
claiming they have mental orgasms instead of physiological orgasms. If it
works, do it.
Beyond the mechanics of sex, mobility-impaired people also face sexual
communication issues. Think of how difficult it is for able-bodied people to
ask for and get what they want in bed, and imagine how much harder it might
be for a disabled person, who is already battling social stereotypes,
physical restriction and emotional discomfort.
In Conclusion
Remember: a disability does not necessitate a disabled sex drive. Regardless
of the person's disability -- visual, hearing, mobility or paralysis -- he
or she has the emotional drive for closeness, affection and sexual
stimulation. Granted, it may be more difficult for that person to meet, date
and become intimate with another person, but it is far from impossible.
As we, as a society, become more aware of the needs, limits and abilities of
disabled people, we will become more comfortable with the idea of having a
disabled person as a partner. Ideally, we will learn to see past the
person's disability altogether, and learn to know and love that person as
the intellectual, emotional and romantic person he or she is capable of
being.
